Timbaland's Apologize
I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

It is funny when my father, Brian, was asked by Jojo to write down problems they were having in their marriage in the Caymans. Brian responded that he thought Jojo was doing too much for me and pampering me. That she wasn't allowing me to become a man. Hahaha.

My father at age 18 had a 4 year scholarship to Uni of Calgary for Architecture and passed that up the summer out of highschool due to falling in love with carpentry. Ok, I can understand that being happy at work is one of the most important things in life... however, due to having no university training, and living in a shitty country like Canada... my parents had to chase the booming economy to the point that by 13 I had lived in 3 countries and moved 16 times and never lived in a town/city/village/place for longer then 4 years.

My father's ignorant caveman tendencies forced him into a physical demanding career where due to having to work 114 hours during Xmas week missing Xmas day completely and one year even worked so hard and long that he gave himself a hernia and still was barely able to break even.

My father reminds me of Leo in Ayn Rand's We the Living. Canada broke my father. Years of long hard work to barely stay a float deminished my father and instead of fighting back he allowed him to give in to it. Losing what he was and resorting to alcoholism in the Caymans instead of dealing with the growing gap between him and Jojo. Jojo in the Caymans instead like any other normal person with time on her hands decided to embrace life and explore her hobbies.

At a young age I realized that I would never have a body which could endure manual labour and thus throw myself into school whole heartedly achieving and maintaining a 3.9 GPA my entire life. My father wanting to leave force Jojo to send me back to Canada losing my spot at the British Private school which would have lead to a 4 year scholarship to any European University like it did to my best friend James Gibb who had only a 3.2 GPA. I was the golden child. Unstopable. I had no time or patience for anyone who questioned my authority. I was and am a god.

Age 18 I went to Dalhousie Uni with only a 100 dollars in my bank account, no friends there, no family even in the country... and not only did I manage to make it through but I payed to have a g/f flown from BC to NS....I saved enough to fly to Mexico to meet a fiance's family and then both of us to Athens for a month to meet mine.

....Of course my father's parents had to tell Brian that it was his divorce money given to me by Jojo that paid for this... not the 4 months of 60 hour weeks between 2 jobs back to back. LOL and it was this that lead me to tell them to never contact either Jojo or I ever again. Thinking that I was but a boy they phoned Jojo "tattling" of my behavior... and like any reasonable person she responded with... "Shane's the head of the Gee family now, if that was his decision I stick by it" and reasonably so. It would be contradictory to give me 20k every year to go to university and take their side when it was them that caused my father to stop paying the divorce money to her for a while due to him thinking he was funding my lavish escapades.

I find it amusing that in 2002 the Dean of Science at Dal told me that I may never become an architect and to strive/work towards something else. Not only did I remain steadfast and refuse to declare a major, which had the effect of her kicking me out of science and putting me in Arts and choosing a major for me, but I also was accepted into the Architecture program and have graduated it from it.

Something my father, a "man," didn't achieve. On top of which I had previously graduated 2 other times from a university, something he also didn't achieve.

I find it amusing that 8 months ago on my Bachelor work coop an old QB Highschool friend looked at me and said "I'm surprised you remained in university as long as you did." Now I'm not hurt by this, but shocked. As it was I, who although returned to Canada as an Emo Drama boy allowing his gpa to drop from 3.9 to 3.whatever in a public school for the first time, went into allowing his friends to purchase his hw to copy from. Allow my GPA to slip a little to have some free time and to make some money... ok. How is it when my friends are buying my shit, these same friends are shocked that I stuck it out.

I'll tell you how, because Qualicum Beach is for the newly wed and the nearly dead. All my highschool friends came from rich families who know they are inherenting money, they have a place to call "home" every summer. I wasn't presented that opportunity, due a mother running and living abroad. Like Russel Crowe in the Cinderella Man and Sly in the Rockies... it is those who have had the hard life that find that extra "mmmphh" inside one's self to accomplish what others won't.

I find it amusing that a diagnosed schitszophrenic tells me I'm dillusional with ideas of grandeur when I told him I got into architecture and that I was a god. Again another highschool graduate going no where.... and having no university degrees, while at this time I had 2. Oh and lets not forget achieving his dream. But I am dillusional. That is great.

I find it amusing that I got a mentor telling me I wont' make it into masters in B3 and then in B5 I have a mentor telling me he didn't think I was capable enough to pull off what I wanted to do. Yet during my final crit had an architect woman from India tell me that she hasn't seem someone express such a hard idea so clearly through so many different buildings and the only negative comment was by designing 5 different buildings i created 5X's the amount of work incomparison to those who created 1 huge building and stuck everything inside or those who created 1 building but repeated it just changing the floor plan for the program.

Hahahaha.... my entire life has been people telling me I CAN'T, I SHOULDN'T, I WON'T, and yet I've spent 25 years proving them wrong and still no one recognizes the greatness inside me that I see in myself. Hahaha Yet these same people who think so little of me spend their time when I'm in the program trying to get me kicked out and now that I'm not there and taking a year off they won't stop inquiring and asking my friends still there where I am and what I'm doing.... the world is always revolving around me. Thus why I'm encouraged to take up my throne and claim to godliness.

I love how my father's new step daughter calls me telling her she is my sister not elaborating that I'm her step brother and that Brian was telling my grandparents and his new family all about me despite it being 6 years since he had seen, spoken, or known anything about me. Since He left I've had a lung collapse 2 times, gone through surgery missing a month,month and a half of school and still able to graduate, had 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree burns, got 2 tattoos, changed my hair style and my hair color twice. And he presumes to tell others about me? Hahahaha but I'm not a man. I've done what my shitty Qualicum Beach friends haven't been able to do not only once but THRICE.... i'm 3 times the men others are.... including my father. Since my father's betrayal I've also given up lying.

Funny the only thing I ever got from my father besides a weak heart and raccoon circles under my eyes.... is the last name GEE.

And what comes with that, a legacy? Nah... of course not... instead the reminder that my father left a loving, devoted wife and mother, a son for a ex prostitute cocaine addict. Lovely. Hahaha... a father that resorted to alcoholism, which he called his mother in law 15 years, resulting in her ignoring me until I was 10 for something my father did. LOL. And yet here he was committing the same "sin."

I'll tell you what comes with GEE.
Shane
English and Irish: early Anglicized form of Seán, representing a Northern Irish pronunciation of the Gaelic name. In recent years it has also been used as a female name.
Gee
Irish and Scottish: reduced form of McGee, Anglicized form of Gaelic Mac Aodha ‘son of Aodh’ (see McCoy).
English: this is a common name in northern England, of uncertain origin. The existence of a patronymic form Geeson points to a personal name, but this has not been satisfactorily identified. It may in fact be the Irish or Scottish name in an English context.
French (Gée): habitational name from any of several places called Gé or Gée, for example in Maine-et-Loire, derived from the Gallo-Roman domain name Gaiacum.

Sweet born into mediocrity. Gee a common last name of British peasants. I love it. I may have been born in to mediocrity but I certainly won't die there.

Seán
Irish Gaelic form of John, derived in the early Middle Ages from Anglo-Norman Jehan. The name has always been common in Ireland, but is now being increasingly chosen also by parents who have no Irish connections (usually without the accent, Sean).
Funny as my father's side of the family is of Irish and English decent.
McGee
Irish and Scottish: Anglicized form of Gaelic Mac Aodha ‘son of Aodh’ (see McCoy).

McCoy
Irish (Limerick): Anglicized form of Gaelic Mac Aodha ‘son of Aodh’, an ancient personal name meaning ‘fire’, originally the name of a pagan god. Thus it has the same origin as McGee, McKay and McKee.

Now this is interesting because any one who has my sggee@hotmail.com account added on Msn has seen for at least 2 years now the tag line of ". a spirit of fire." under whatever display name I've had. I didn't know my last name revolved around fire in any way but as every fucking piece of shit that keeps on raggin' on me also claims that I'm confrontational and aggressive I figure it the sentence suited me and described my passion for life. Furthermore that name is linked to the name of a pagan GOD! Oh look at the similarities and concidiences. Hahahah isn't life funny some times. I fucking love it.

But it isn't enough. If my father is already talking about me to others I need to finish my last degree, do the 3 years interning, pass my 7 exams and then challenge the world. I need to leave my mark. I want to be famous I want it so my father sees me on every cover of magazines and although he may boast to others that I am his son he goes to bed knowing that he is dead to me... that I did this as a MAN. I did this with out him, I accomplished what he could not. I didn't have to fuck up my body in the process and that a mere fucking piece of shit country like Canada won't get the best of me.

In other news I saw my grandma for the first time in like 2 years or something for an actual bit of time a whole 4 days. Her alcoholism has destroyed her brain, by the time you finish answering a question she has forgotten your answer and askes again. She still refuses to get a hearing aid and answer is just buying a 5.1 surround sound dvd system. Oh and mean while he freaked on Jojo twice for miss hearing her and accusing Jojo of things never said. LOL lovely... Jojo moved out and had enough won't talk to her again. I speculate 1 of 2 things. My grandma's rapid decline will mean she will be dead in a year maybe 2.... or she will hang on like a squeeky gate for a long period of time making everyone's life a living hell including mine, and yet i'm one of the only people on this planet she respects and treats ok. But with her violent temper and rapid mental decline even that isn't lasting.

It could be possible she dies speeding while drunk driving... she drives drunk quite often. Oh well...soon all her money will be to me because she certainly isn't leaving any to anyone else. Her state... is a constant reminder to kill myself when I get older like my grandfather did. Cavemen died in the prime of their life and man has prolonged this with technology but with what consequences.... raping of the environment, destorying the world and leaving nothing for our children,.... global warming.... over population.... incurable diseases.... LOVELY.... I'm happy all you greedy weak fucks who don't want to die and want to get their grubby hands on everything they can think it is worth it and a small price to pay. LOL but wait I forgot I'm the so called materialistic person. Living a liquid diet only greatly decreases the amount of electricty needed to prepare meals.... buying local organic fruit only encourages local economy and cuts down on transportation of goods and thus reduces negative effects on the environment as well.... oh and lets not forget that I'm 25 and have no car and walk or bus every where and since BC is my "home base" when in Canada... most of the buses here are green energy. I recycle....unlike those 88% of bottles that Canadian Morons forget to recycle and are slowly choking the world to death with.

I love how 95% of the people inhabiting this world are not qualified, educated enough to judge me and do...and most of them fail to see me as a man. Hahahahahah.

Ah well.... better to be a god then a mortal and better to reign in hell then to serve in heaven. Life's too short.

It's funny my other msn is kaneda.... kaneda who kills his best friend to save the world.... both realizing that it had to be done and with no hate. But it is Tetsuo I shouldn't have used for my msn all those years ago. It is him I am more like.... full of so much disgust and contempt for the world around me. Besides my walt disney life falling apart in the Cayman Islands, those 4 years and the 2 I was with Rebeca have been the only years that I've truely been happy. LOL

A paradise isolated from the world and all its problems... or been immersed in it but focused on leaving a person completely satisfied with out a want in the world to not even have time to worry about the world around him.

So much left to do and so little time. I remember all those nights when I felt like my hatred for my father was slowly killing me spreading like a disease through out my body leaving me a little emptier with every night... all the nights I fell asleep sobbing in Rebeca's arms before my hatred for my father could consume my longing for him.

Once I would like to see a movie who's main character is a villian and the exploration and character develop of that character and I don't mean some bullshit Star Wars stuff or Marvel Sand Man.. I have a sick daughter. I mean that point where a person just gives in and says fuck it and makes the world feel what he has endured.

It is funny how in the Star War movies they always make the sith power where in the short term increase their power yet over the long run they become weak... the same is displayed in Harry Potter.... Lord V will die due to "love magic".... Yeah OK! But it is this anger, contempt, that has given me the strength to endure and accomplish what my friends couldn't, haven't and won't. It has allowed me to be three times the man my father is. I mean I don't lie and am building a legacy of a honest, nice character behind... reminds me of Ethan Hawke's father in Snow Falling on Cedars.... how will my child step out from the shadow I leave behind?

Oh and lets not forget one thing.... in Braveheart it isn't till that guy, who betrayed Wallace, learned to hate his father; that his father deemed him suitable to govern a country.